I have been in a depressive episode for the past week or so. I feel tired. So tired that it is hard to get up and get going in the morning. I just want to keep sleeping, but I have three little kids who need me! They are what keep me going! I feel sluggish and foggy in the head. It is hard to think and make quick decisions. I have very little energy, so I’m just focusing on the basics right now. I have to push myself to do things that I normally feel motivated to do–get dressed, clean up the house, exercise, eat. At home I look around and feel overwhelmed at everything that needs to be done. I fall behind on housework and hope that my husband and kids will pick up the slack. I wish things didn’t depend so much on me, but at this stage of life, they do. When Mommy shuts down, things just don’t get done at home. Laundry and dishes pile up. It’s ok, I’ll be back up and running soon! And in the meantime, we’re surviving just fine. My house looks good today because it’s the weekend and my husband is home!
I rely a lot more on my husband during these times. He cooks dinner and takes care of the kids so I can have a break. Yesterday we had a family day. We took the kids to play at Discovery Gateway and they had a great time! Then he stayed home and let me go grocery shopping without the kids. It was glorious! I wasn’t in a rush. I could go as slowly as I wished and take my time to make decisions. I picked up a sugar foot scrub for myself because I need to make time for self care right now!
If you have seen me up and about and you had no clue I was depressed, it’s ok! It’s hard to tell from the outside. It actually makes me feel better knowing that I don’t look like a total mess–because I feel like one! I just keep going and doing and trying to smile, even when I don’t feel like smiling. Just know that I’m fighting. I don’t need you to “fix me” or to tell me how to stop feeling depressed. I’ve learned a lot so far on my journey and one thing I have learned is that there is no “magic switch” to turn it off. You just have to ride out the storm, doing the best you can to keep afloat, knowing that eventually the depression will lift. I’ll feel like myself again, hopefully soon! Keep inviting me to do things. I’m not one who likes to hide away when I am depressed. I need people in my life! I need to feel safe saying that “I’m not ok right now” and having that be ok! And don’t think that I can’t do things. If it is important to me, I’ll still do it! I’m stronger than you think! Depression has taught me how to be a fighter.